After what seemed like bad day after bad day after bad day (or what really was), I've had a great few days. Friday, my kids were fantastic. Monday and Tuesday, that were focused, at least. And today, well, it's not a great day. But, a single good thing about today will make it as a happy one in my books.

Or, since we are learning suffixes - a day full of happiness. Or hopeful. :)

The pain I was talking about last week, the pain of children who go home without finding unconditional love, support, or even basic care. The horror of what I see and hear from little boys and girls who haven't seen good has been daunting and tragic. I've seen a lot of it from my class, but like I said before, it's meant more to me than I can truly explain. I don't mean to say I'm thankful or feel blessed to be around the pain and witness the evil in this world, but I am. I'm thankful, not for it happening, but for being given the opportunity to see it for myself, and the wisdom and experiences to be inspired to change it.

And then today, a little girl came in with ribbons in her hair, a full pencil box, a clean face, and an unsatiable appetite to tell me everything about her new life. This little girl was sort of like the real life version of "The Grinch" in that she went from having this tiny outlook on the happiness around her, to exuberating it. It's been less than a week since I saw this same little girl with hollow eyes, but today there were twinkles in its place.

I'm on my lunch break, telling her that while I would love to come to Thanksgiving with her and her new family, I have to see my family. And yes, maybe I can come another time. I'd be happy to.

And now I do have to get ready to see my own family, and be thankful for the one with which God has truly blessed me.

I may be a PR minor, but I'm not exactly PR when it comes to journalism, or truth, or well, being me. And lately, I'm feeling the PR tug given that it's the coming to the close of my first year with Teach for America and everyone wants to know, "How is it going?" and "How did you do?". And while I'm not going to lie, it's hard to respond with: "I've never felt more belittled, more like a failure, more challenged, more unappreciated, more stressed, or humbled, or more helpless in my entire life."

I think, maybe people won't understand that I say that coming from a grateful and passionate place, given all the negative modifiers, prefixes, and suffixes in that statement. So, that isn't my daily FB Chat or G-chat response. Because it's much more than "It's been quite the experience" or "It's extremely challenging" or what I spat out above, it's much, much more. And it's, for now, about impossible to really explain in a way that conveys anything close to its reality.

And before I go on, I just need to preface today's post with this: I do not put the hardest part, the most tragic details, or most testimonial failures. Those things, I cannot share with the online world. I share the surface, I share the successes, and I share the inner struggles. So when it sounds like it's going terribly or wonderfully, please understand why my answers to you are sometimes vague, sometimes very directed, and sometimes roundabout. I am just caught in a battle of engaging in this revolutionary conversation over what I'm witnessing, and protecting the families and children with whom I am working with and for on a daily basis. It's difficult.

I say in today's post that I'm finding purpose through helplessness. Well, today was a day I felt complete and utter helplessnes. I have a child who needs help, and while I've done what I think I can, the rest is beyond me now. And it is the most helpless thing in the world. This isn't the first time I've felt this way, and it is certainly not the last. But today, I move beyond despair, beyond hope or hopelessness. Today, I started thinking: God has a plan for me.

It's not that I never thought this way before. I am, and have always been, a believer in God's plan. Everything happens for a reason. Well, I know that Teach for America is my blessing to experience something bigger than me that will lead me to my calling, lead me into being a person that can really do something that matters in this life. I've never felt like "the top person" in any situation - never the smartest, the most driven, the most ... anything. Confidence issue or realist, not sure. But today I started thinking that ... well .... God arranged this class for me. I have had a class that has, as individuals, had struggles beyond their years, beyond what should be anyone's years. And most of their most difficult battles stem from the same area.

As I sit here at home trying to figure out what's next for me, what I do with this experience, where I go after next year (what I should maybe start planning and preparing for now), I started to think today ... that maybe God is giving me the direction and answers afterall, through what my class is experiencing WHILE I AM THEIR TEACHER. By feeling what I'm feeling now, this helplessness that twists my heart tighter and tigher, maybe I can find the path that will take me to a place of true purpose. I swear Obama ruined the word CHANGE for me forever, but it seems to be stuck in my head now. Maybe, I am really destined to do something big with my life. I have the support, I've had and do have the opportunities ... maybe I have the ability, and I definitely owe it to the world. I've gotten too much to not give my all in return. But how do I do it?

I'm back to mid-college years, caught up in "what I am going to do" and "how one goes to get there" and I only feel a hair ahead of where I was even then. Or maybe, well, a bit more. I want to share. I want to show that I care. And I want to inspire.

Teacher? Child advocate?

I pray only for more guidance and direction. I'm rising to the challenge. I'm up for it. I just need help finding how to get to a place where I can be and do what you see for me. I pray for my students. I pray for every unrepresented, uncared for, unappreciated beautiful child who needs and deserves to wake up and go to sleep feeling love each and every day. It doesn't happen enough.

By the way, anyone mistaking this for a negative "Don't do TFA" post --- I feel quite the opposite. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything in the world. I learn more on a daily basis about myself and this world, a world I thought I had an idea about (boy was I wrong!) each minute with my kids than I did the first 20 years of my life. We learn by leaving our comfort zone and dedicating ourselves to doing good ... I know I'm not really doing good now, but I think I'm learning how I can ....