Whew. Thank goodness I have the Walbridge 7. And thank you so much to my senior second-grade teacher. Teaching is like anything else - OKAY that's a lie, it's not like anything else for a million reasons. But the one way it is is that you can hear about it. You can hear the horror stories, watch the movies, talk to teachers, observe, even assist, but nothing compares to being there in the classroom with 27 rambunctious children all day. And nothing, nothing, compares to sitting with 27 inner-city school children. I tried to get through my first day of curriculum today, which meant text books and worksheets and real learning (aside from rules and procedures) for the first time all year. It's hard to realize you're in the third week of school and your kids haven't learned anything more than STOP TALKING and RESPECT the teacher. Round 1 of Reading class didn't work. Round 2 after sending half to ISS got us through at least 3 vocabulary words and me reading 2 sentences. Progress! Missed Social Studies and Writing. And then math, well, after lecturing about respecting the teacher ... we got through 2 addition problems and they began their worksheets. It was rough. It's always rough, but when I was away from them yesterday while I was home sick, I missed them like crazy. I miss them now, even though they make me miserable and cranky and screaming all day. I just want them to learn how to be students and how to respect adults. They don't now, and they need to. I love them. When and how can I reach them?
Oh yes, the riddle me this part. What do my US puzzle floor map and the teacher of room 206 (me) have in common? We
That's how I feel. I had a bunch of planning things that needed to be executed last week but one thing after another came my way and before I knew it, it was the weekend and I was sick and behind. And then I realized my online account to access my lesson plans wasn't working and my pacing guide is at school, which means a no-work weekend in a time when I very much needed to work.
Frustrated. I need to get myself together for my students.
The thing is, I can see this little white light because I know that once I get these templates and intranet set up, and once my first steady income check comes through (all of which will be set on Friday), then I should be good. I can then start on something resembling a routine. I'll know how to access all the materials, hopefully, that I'll need. I'll hopefully have a more final roster. I'll know how to do all the things that I'm expected to know how to do now, and hopefully my kids will appreciate more of a routine themselves. It's the lack of routine that is killing me.
And the best part of this fix-all end of the week I'm looking forward to - my boyfriend will be here! So while my life is falling into place at least on some scheme and I hopefully begin acting again like a normal person (ish, that is), A.J. will be here too. Weekends like next weekend make me feel like my students, anxiously awaiting each dismissal bell and 3-day weekend. A plan. A routine. A paycheck. And that someone I really need to see.
Now that flu meds have me loopy and I have no resources to allow me to lesson plan for the week, I'm off to bed to try to get to school by 5 a.m. .... yeah.
I really should start tallying this phrase. If I had a nickel, or a penny, for every time ...
Along with "Ughhh but I don't wanna!" and "I want to go home!" and "I gotta use it!" and "Ms. Davis, can I do it?!?!?"
As much as they drive me crazy and to tears daily, I have to admit it - My name is Amanda Davis, and I love my kids. It's unconditional. It makes almost no sense. And it's deeply true.
They are mean to me. They are hateful. They are immature (even for 2nd graders), they have zero respect for authority, and they are extremely loud and stubborn. And when I thought about who I might lose to the other second grade teacher when we structure the second grade, I realized losing any of them would be a little rip in my heart. Even the meanest, most stubborn, horrible-behaving students, the ones who have yet to have a few good seconds with me, are so much a part of my care and life that I don't like the idea of not having that responsibility for their well-being.
I've caught the bug. Damn.
What I love? They are fascinated with my life. How many brothers and sisters do you have? How old are you? Where are you from? How many kids do you have? Are you married? Who's your boyfriend? What does he do? Is he white??
No sisters. (What?!?) 2 brothers. (how old??) too old. (haha nuh uh!) North Carolina (ughh.... what?) no kids (but you're old!) not married (but you're old!) his name is A.J. (ooooohhhhh. i know a kid named A.J.) he's a designer (oooohhh ... followed by confused look). and yes, he's white. (they apologize for asking about him being white).
What I loved today? "Ms. Davis, what's your favorite thing? I know you told us things about yourself, but what's your favorite thing?" (he wanted to draw me a picture. My biggest behavior child, who gave me a hug today, wanted to know my favorite thing. I said my friends and family were my favorite things. He looked a little disappointed at his crayons. It's okay, I liked hearts and stars too :)
His heart-covered family drawing is hanging up on my bulletin board.
Pre-K through 6. It has several meanings for me today. Not only is that the range of students we have at Walbridge in terms of actual grades, but it is the range of reading levels in my classroom. Yes, you read that right. I've being doing diagnostic assessments on my 2nd graders the past few days (ps, it's been one of my biggest victories to have my class engaged enough on their own to let me do 2-minute diagnostics on individual students. go kids!). Back to the point. We've been doing the San Diego Quick diagnostics, which is a set of lists of words from each grade level from Pre-K on up. I take a student and have them read the words to me, one list at a time. When they miss 2 words in a list, that is their instructional range where they are challenged but taking it in. And I have several non-readers (Pre-K or K words stumped them) and a 5th grade reader and a 6th grade reader! All in one classroom! Pre-K through 6. Pre-K through 6. Pre-K through 6. Breathe.
And while today was another fantastic day of calls home and to the principal and losing my voice screaming, I had some great moments too. I had a couple students asking if they can do extra work on their reading. I had hugs from several students on the reading rug. I even had students engaged in "Clifford" and some in our spelling slices! (Spelling Slices is my way of getting the class to orally spell words to drill it into our heads over again. I use a giant green crayon bank and we 'slice' each letter up down as we say it in the air and then across as we repeat the word at the end spelling-bee style). PS Thank you Rohini for your M&M jar idea. The kids LOVE it. Everytime the class is doing what they are supposed to, I add some M&Ms. I did popcorn yesterday, but they can't HEAR popcorn - M&Ms are way more effective. And I spruced it up by calling out all-star students: "Thank you Angel, you are adding to the class M&Ms. A few more Chuma, thank you for helping your class. Christian, Taliyah, Cornelius .... good, thank you for putting eyes on me and being silent."
Hey, it works. For some. For a second. :) All I can ask for
I remember the days when I thought 60 hours a week working at a daily newspaper managing over a hundred people (20 of them editors) and a three-quarters of a million dollar budget was stressful .... ooooh what a vacation! Don't get me wrong DGers, I know how much work it is, and it is a very special kind of work. What I realize about teaching the inner-city youth of St. Louis's poorest neighborhood .... working at The Daily Gamecock was the best preparation I had. And I miss it, and all of the people who made that experience. Managers aren't 7-year-olds (even if they act like it some time!), but they did teach me a lot about respect and working as a team. I can't wait for the day my students care as much about their spelling test as my staff did about our biggest issues and packages. Yesterday was the hardest day yet - all out chaos and zero respect from my students who even after my sleepless nights of planning ... didn't learn a thing. It felt horrible and I was angry. I stopped about halfway through the day and (in an out of body experience way minus the hippy idea of it all) looked at myself through their eyes. I was disgusted by the teacher before them. I hated myself yesterday, and after threats and disrespect and hours of tears I decided I would never be the teacher I was August 23, 2010 ever again. Today was not a 180-degree turn, but it was a big help. I learned a few things today. I learned my Walbridge staff is an incredibly supportive family. I had the principal, the vice principal, and the veteran 2nd grade teacher with my back today, and it made a different. I want to take this minute to give a HUGE thank you to those people for supporting me, offering advice, talking to students and parents, and letting me cry to them without passing judgment on my teaching. I'm not in school anymore. Asking for help and pointing out my own troubles won't take away from my grade or cast a critical eye, but instead I openly expressed my troubles and got more help than I could have imagined. The best part? It made a difference. My kids were troubling today, a nightmare crowd for most teachers, but a dream today compared to yesterday - because they learned. They learned that we are only the odd ones out in a group of evens. They learned how to summarize in 2-3 sentences for reading homework the rest of the year (Thank you "Franklin Goes to School" and "Eddie the Elephant"!!). They learned about short 'e's and long 'e's. They practiced handwriting and spelling and BEST OF ALL they read on their own whispering out loud, started our DRA assessments, and had FUN doing class jobs. Small successes? All apology letters completed, cards pulled, 2 library books checked out per student, and a hug from one of my most stubborn. A
When I get caught up in my classroom and the struggles I'm having, it can be easy to get lost in the noise level and the craziness and forget myself and my passion for these children. 12 percent of students at Walbridge last year were proficient on the state exams and now there is an 80 percent turnover in staff to fix it. We were chosen to bring these children back to where they need to be to reach their potential. My faith lies in these children in reaching and exceeding their goals, and at the very least the low expectations society has for them. I have to remember why I am here and who I can be for my students.
http://www.stltoday.com/news/local/education/article_3a6a8697-a5a6-5acf-9917-f8a02a42e267.html
I need to remember that I have students who cannot read. I need to remember that one of my students has been constantly abused by his father, physically and emotionally, all his life and has finally escaped that household with his mother. I have to remember that another wasn't taken to school until he was 8 years old because his mother left him most of his life in her addiction to drugs. I have to remember that one of my girls is incredibly bright - I mean incredibly, exceptionally bright - but in her head shooting for a job at WalMart is at the top of her goals because that's the neighborhood tone she's grown up with, despite her amazing potential.
Many of my kids come from little to nothing and are raised to shoot for little or nothing, while others have families that want their children to far surpass their current circumstances. I have beautiful children with racing minds - goodness, that's mostly why they are the handful that they are! Because they are smart! They are eager! They just have to be directed and that energy has to be harnessed to put them into gear.
Thank you Teach for Amer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYU-uQNKQI8&feature=related
This was my classroom during my PD observation Thursday. I've never felt so helpless and out of control, but I kept composure and eventually got them through the day! Thursday was the day I was fixing my classroom .... well, at least it's a process of elimination. I'm figuring out what DOESN'T work very fast! Yesterday was an extremely difficult one for me because I had to have a iron fist in a kind of way I've never done before. I'm a nurturer and I couldn't be because I had to let my kids who whose classroom it was in 206 and what cannot be tolerated. This meant a sore throat, stone face, and pulled cards in the double digits. But it also meant 3 straight rows on the carpet in criss-cross-applesauce with 22 pairs of eyes on me with mouths shut and hands raised enthusiastically to practice their spelling words. Finally for the first time all week, I got to show how I care by first showing how we learn. We learn but shutting up and sitting right, and we learn by raising our hands and giving silent rounds of applause for students doing the right thing. We learn by having fun in rule-obeying participation. Carpet learning time was A+! But then bathroom breaks. I hate bathroom breaks, and when I say I hate bathroom breaks, I mean I LOATHE bathroom breaks. My kids were amazing on one and terrors on the other, but we are getting there. The beginning of the day was a mad house, the end of the day was a zoo, but the middle was golden learning and more than half of my kids got 100% on their spelling test. Yes! Successes? Carpet time. One bathroom break. 3 apology letters. Failures? One bathroom break. Pencil sharpening time. Library checkout.
L
So you have your good days and your bad days. You reflect on your rough ones and celebrate your victories. The one major TFA lesson I'm holding on to. My first day was rough so I switched gears yesterday, and had a pretty awesome day. I was so excited and felt great about being myself with my students ... and then today happened. Two hours of crying post-dismissal later, I'm glued to the computer researching effective classroom management. What I'm realizing is that I'm not used to not being good at what I'm doing. I truly do not say it in a cocky way, but in a way that helps me see that this is a true and genuine challenge for me. I'm okay with working hard and I'm okay with struggling with myself and feeling the frustration. The hard part, the unbearable part, is failing my students. It is locking the classroom door feeling that your students wasted a day with you, and you can't get it back. It's looking in the eyes of those students who want to learn but cannot because you don't have a hold on the other 15 students. It breaks your heart. But I'm going in tomorrow with a fresh plan with many changes. I know it won't be easy and it will take me twice as long to get straight, but it's worth it. I have a full day of introducing and practicing new procedures followed by a full day of reading, writing, spelling, and math. Plenty of work to keep them plenty busy with plenty of chances for positive consequences. It's going to be an exhausting but hopefully effective day of teaching. Funny stories are the best medicine. One funny (and stressful!) story - I had ... let me count them ... 7 students cry today. Two of them were crying uncontrollably in the middle of class. One of them because her leg ITCHED. One because he got in trouble for COLORING MARKER all over the back of another girl's white uniform shirt and got caught lying about it. I also had some cry for getting in trouble. It was a happy day in Ms. Davis's class. That was some of the rough. Some of the fluff? I kept 30 7-year-olds DEAD silent for 30 seconds straight. Yep. And I got them excited to sit down in criss-cross applesauce by singing a song about it. Really. Another day ... let's see. PS: Thank yous are in order for the following support system today: Mom, Cal (tried!), Cafe Mochi and the roomies, explicit rap lyrics, AJ, my fellow Walbridge 7, and the 6th grade boys! Oh, and Ms. Angie. Love her.
What can I say about my first day as a second-grade teacher? I survived! Worse than the suck-up before the first day, I could not sleep all weekend thinking about my first day with my kids - so much preparation, knots in my stomach, nerves dancing, thoughts racing nonstop around my mind. I wanted to be as prepared as possible and show them that I was steady and a rock. Little did I know just about all of that would be thrown out the window, because the day was a mess across our school. Students and parents were coming in all day, roaming about the halls registering for school from 7am-315pm when the bell rang and students literally ran loose without direction. My roster went out the window when about half my kids showed up, then random children were tossed into my class along with the late-comers all day long. I ended up with a roster of around 30, but I couldn't tell you who to expect in my class again today. There were highlights and lowlights, but the one thing I can say is that it was a day I'll never forget. My kids looked so cute in their navy and white uniforms, excited with their materials in hand (which I was shocked to see!). We came up with a class chant early in the morning which actually engaged them. Work (Hard!) Be (smart!) Go (Far!) -- (insert hammer motion, pointing to head, and cute little arm extension here, respectively). There are a few things that second graders do not know that I learned yesterday, which include: how to wash their hands, how to raise their hands, how to sit, how to stay seated. There are a few things that they care about more than life itself: sharpened pencils, making mistakes writing, and tattling on one another.
It was quite the whirlwind, but it was a lot of fun too. We read Dr. Suess (ps, the pictures can be scary!) and we played "When I grow up I want to be ...". A lot of police officers, doctors, teachers, and ... a shark - that was my class clown.
The school itself caused most of the anxiousness. Everything was running late, children were floating around picking a classroom, attendance may not as well have taken place. I had parents coming in to talk to me as I was trying to teach the class, which wasn't exactly productive. Students were missing, the pre-schoolers missed the assembly, and my kids were shocked to find out 2nd graders don't have nap time. I wasn't popular. I was popular, however, with the 6th grade boys. "Ms. Davis, those boys are talking about your a**. Ms. Davis, those boys wanted me to tell you they like your eyes." And then from the boys, "Hey, what's your name. You're a teacher? Which class, our class? Dang." It was quite the experience.
And again, the white-girl intrigue factor. The little girls like my hair and eyes, some parents looked at me like, "No, really? You're teaching here?" but it was great. A parent who told me the other day she would "try me out" after I convinced her (post her laugh in my face) that I would be happy to teach her adorable and smart son (our school troublemaker), told the principal yesterday that she wanted her son to stay in my class. Win!
Meeting some of the parents and talking with some of the children during our safety assembly was one of the more troubling parts of the day. I spoke with adults in that school yesterday that probably don't remember meeting me. I heard students ask our principal what to do if cars or gangs follow them to school. I have students who don't feel safe going home with their designated caretakers, and a principal promise they wouldn't have to. That's something Wesley Chapel Elementary never had to deal with.
Yesterday I made the mistake of being the teacher everyone told me I needed to be. Today, I am going to be the teacher I am. I want my students to excel and know that I care about them, and that's my focus today.
I came home yesterday and fell asleep at 8:3
It's hard to believe it's the last day before school starts, and I feel just like I did before my first day of attending 2nd grade as I do teaching it. Actually, I feel way more knots and turns and bouncing nerves than I ever did sitting on the other side of the teacher's desk. So many thoughts and to-do's racing through my mind, and thinking about how every single thing I rush through or don't have finished and mastered with complete confidence may mean my students not progressing at the rate they need to. I just look at that roster and I jump back into gear - this is why college will never be what teaching is. In college I was responsible for myself, and if I didn't do something to my fullest potential, I only hurt myself. Here, it's another story. Here, 21 (and probably 12 more) are suffering, and that's just not an option for me. Last week was Welcome Night where we are supposed to meet our students and their parents, show them around their classes, get them excited for the school year. I was excited thinking back on my Open House nights and the day I got to finally meet my teacher after watching the mailbox all summer for that letter. My kids aren't exactly waiting for the mailman each day. I had two students come with their mothers, and also a mother who said she may consider "trying me out." One of the biggest problems with turnaround schools, and largely the reason they are turnaround schools, is attendance. Students just do not come to anything not required, and barely make it (much less on time!) to the things that are required. Right now there are two 2nd grade teachers including myself, but we are supposed to have a third classroom, which means I will most likely be splitting the remaining 23 students with my colleague. In order to prepare, I spoke with the custodial staff about bringing in about a dozen more desks and chairs into my room. Their response? The sad truth is, I probably already at 21 have more than enough desks for my roster plus a half. Because the first week, Walbridge sees very little actual students. I have to invest these kids into my classrooms. When 95% of the students walk to school, I can actually make a difference here by getting them eager to get to class. They may not be dreaming about probability and venn diagrams in their sleep, but knowing how much work they'll have to make up just by missing a few minutes might stifle their tardy rates.
As far as own life, this really is about all there is to say. I am still living in my charming home in Tower Grove with Nikki, my very wonderful roommate from the other S.C. school, as we wait for the second Clemsonette to join us. I still don't have my clothes unpacked because I can't afford a dresser, but I do finally have Internet and cable! Yay for the small successes! We have been venturing out around the town a little, and Tower Grove is quite lovely. There are always people out and about and cute cafes and restaurants. It's very hip-py.
And really, I'm loving this city and loving my choice to be here doing what I'm doing. I'm terrified and I can't lie about that. Not only am I terrified about my responsibilities and this undertaking, but every now and then when I'm reminded my best friends and family and the boy about how dangerous some of my adventures are, it starts to sink in a little. I'm not shaken, but I am aware and that can really build on to the overwhelming factor that is my life.
I miss everyone and I miss my life. I'm excited for this new path, but sometimes looking back is a tempting choice when I can't think about data and flowcharts any longer. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have all of you in my life encouraging me every step along this adventure. I know I can handle this, but it's challenging and I couldn't do it without you.
I don't like asking for help, as anyone who knows me knows that about me. But I do want to go ahead and ask those closest to me, who know me best, to remind me to be me. It's easy for me to caught up in the to-do's and forget about what else matters, and what I have is too precious to lose. So a friendly text or phone call, and no you do not have to ask me about my class! In fact, don't! Tell me about you! It's what I really want to hear about and know. I love you all, and tomorrow I can't wait to tell you about the church I'm venturing to
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